Hello from a hopeful trans woman
Get to know a she/they enby girl and read some gripping stories
There’s a lot of territory to cover so I’d like to get the preliminary disclaimers and trigger warnings out of the way. You’ll find some oversharing about medical transitioning and my personal life, and if you’d like some distance between me and my storytelling, check out the novella I wrote about investigating my father’s death, called Murder of an Uncommon Man. I changed all the names and places and called it fiction to protect my family’s privacy, but the story is true. If you prefer audiobooks to reading, I’ve got you covered.
Author’s Note
Many queer people of colour have fought for and continue to fight for the freedoms I enjoy. I am forever in their debt. I live and work on the unceded and unsurrendered land of the Halkomelem-speaking peoples to whom I also owe a debt, apology, and work toward reconciliation. With utmost gratitude, I hope that sharing my transition will make it easier for everyone on the path toward self-awareness, acceptance, and reconciliation.
Few transitions are without challenges of mental health, suicidal ideation, and recovery from surgeries. Mine was no exception. Please take care of yourself and get help if these topics distress you. The back of this book lists some resources if you’re in the U.S. or Canada.[i]
Some terms I used when I started blogging in 2015 now make me cringe, and the words I use today will inevitably become outdated and offensive. I’ve done my best to edit and update the blog posts and correspondence with family, friends, and coworkers, but sometimes I have blind spots.
Please don’t look here for innovative discourse in theory—I’m not an expert in gender studies. For example, I just now learned that the Manual of International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems ICD-11, replaced “transsexualism” with “gender incongruence” in 2018 and removed it from the chapter on mental disorders.[ii] There’s a lot I need to learn, and I hope you’ll continue to read more about gender after finishing this book.
This memoir doesn’t include my deadname (birth name) or a photo of me presenting as male. Sharing and using a deadname is a personal choice, and to be honest, I don’t enjoy seeing pictures or deadnames of others who transitioned. I realize some are fine with their historical record, and if they were in the public eye before they transitioned, they don’t have much choice over what’s out there. But that’s not me. For me, learning and using new pronouns and names are signs of respect. Where my deadname appears in emails and conversations, I’ve replaced it with “[deadname].” If you find it hard to read, please realize that for me and many others, it can feel like a slur when we hear or see our deadnames, regardless of the intention.
For the language purists out there, I wrote the original blog posts in Canadian English, then the rest of the memoir as well, for continuity. I considered writing the memoir and rewriting the blog posts in American English, since many of you are American, but altering the snapshots in time didn’t feel right in my bones. For my British English cousins, you’ll see some spellings that don’t look right to you either. Canadian English is a mix of American and British English, reflecting the country's colonial and close cultural ties. As is customary in Canada, I apologize in advance if this offends either American or British readers.[iii]
Next up is the story of how I became A.M. Kirsch.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Chapters beyond the first half of Chapter 2 are available to paid subscribers (or by request)
Chapter 1: Light Bulb Moment
Chapter 2: A Brief History of Life in the Closet
Chapter 3: Blogging to Self-Awareness as Part One of a Trilogy
Chapter 4: Blogging to Self-Awareness—The Sequel
Chapter 5: Blogging to Self-Awareness Part III
Chapter 6: The Hardest Coming Out
Chapter 7: Getting Help
Chapter 8: Ageism Much?
Chapter 9: Is This What They Mean by Existential Crisis?
Chapter 10: Meeting the Community
Chapter 11: The Big Bang
Chapter 12: Mountains Out of Molehills
Chapter 13: Surprise, Mom, I’m Gay
Chapter 14: The Real-Life Test
Chapter 15: Building My Female Identity
Chapter 16: An Open Secret
Chapter 17: The Future is Female
Chapter 18: Dinosaurs
Chapter 19: Going Under the Knife
Chapter 20: Breaking the Pain Barrier
Chapter 21: The Never-Ending Coming Out
Chapter 22: The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far
Chapter 23: Changing My Name
Chapter 24: Living in Disguise
Chapter 25: Finding My Voice
Chapter 26: Advocacy
Chapter 27: Being Less Bad
Chapter 28: Affirming Gender
Chapter 29: The Overshare Part 1
Chapter 30: The Overshare Part 2
Chapter 31: Living in the Happily Ever After
Chapter 32: Going Public
Blog Index and Extras
Notes and References
Acknowledgments
[i] Trans Lifeline, https://translifeline.org/.
The Trevor Project, https://www.thetrevorproject.org/.
PFLAG, https://pflag.org/.
9-8-8: Suicide Crisis Helpline (Canada), https://988.ca/.
988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline (US), https://988lifeline.org/.
[ii] M. Fernández Rodríguez, M. Menéndez Granda, Villaverde González, “Gender Incongruence is No Longer a Mental Disorder,” Journal of Mental Health and Clinical Psychology, September 18, 2018, https://www.mentalhealthjournal.org/articles/gender-incongruence-is-no-longer-a-mental-disorder.html.
[iii] Emily Keeler, “Sorry—can we talk about why Canadians apologize so much?” CBC/Radio-Canada, January 19, 2017, https://www.cbc.ca/2017/sorry-can-we-talk-about-why-canadians-apologize-so-much-1.3939997.